Trigger: Sermon topic (It happened to be the same topic of the first Crossing series I ever attended)
Reaction: Try not to run like a crazed lunatic with the hounds of hell after me.
Aftermath: The crash of guilt and shame for jumping to a conclusion that, at this point, I have absolutely no reason to assume is correct. My rational mind says that I was wrong to assume and that I should hear people out and judge them based on what I have previously heard from them, but then my irrational mind is screaming "Run, they are all the same".
I took a step outside that box and realized today that if I continue to respond in irrational ways, cut myself off from friends, refuse to get close to anyone else, let triggers run my life, listen to my irrational self, then they WIN. In case anyone doesn't know, I can be a very sore loser.
At Crossing Church, it was all church focused and if you weren't church focused, you were not a good Christian. You would never be told "Well done, good and faithful servant" if you didn't serve your brains out. We were expected to cut everyone out of your life that wasn't Crossing focused, or spoke against what the church was doing or the way they did it. We were expected to constantly try to recruit more people to come to church. At every turn, everything that you didn't do for the Crossing was something that would ultimately damn you to the burning pit. Every sermon seemed focused on one of the following:
- Money (and how much you should be giving in order to get a blessing)
- Bringing people to church (because they will go to hell and it will be your fault)
- Sex (constantly having sex with your spouse is biblical or you are in sin)
- Serving (again, if you don't serve properly or with everything you have, that one person that you didn't treat right on Sunday will have a bad experience and go to hell and it WILL be your fault)
Since I have left Crossing, I have heard good, biblical sermons from numerous pastors. Sermon titles and the different, subtle things that are similar tend to still make me cringe. What can I do to get past this and move on? I guess only time will tell, but from here out, I am going to make an effort stop and take a moment to listen before I run.