Thursday, January 31, 2013
I have learned a lot over the past couple of weeks, and it isn't good. Here is what I have learned:
1.) I haven't fully forgiven past sins against me, even though I thought I had.
2.) I still can't bring myself to fully trust Christians.
Two things may not seem like a lot, but to me, these two things pack quite the punch.
Forgiveness. No matter how much I felt at peace with my distant past and thought I had offered forgiveness, without being asked or acknowledgement of the inflicted pain, I haven't completely let it go. Something bad happened to someone that had hurt me terribly, many years ago. I was incredibly grieved when I realized that one of my first thoughts was not for their well being, but one single word. Karma. I instantly felt guilt for thinking it, but it was there. Satan playing in my head. Making me doubt myself on all of the other forgiveness I have offered throughout my life. Will something else come up that makes me cringe and deny myself the peace of knowing I have forgiven the trespasses of others? It is a good thing that God forgives me, because I am having a hard time forgiving myself.
And ...... another person hurt at Crossing Church met with Eric. I have to admit, I was jealous. Why did he pick her, out of all of the people speaking out against him and his church? There were many of us damaged, but she is one that had not moved past a lot of her anger. Maybe he (or maybe it was God) thought that she needed that meeting the most. I don't know, but it made me think about my own forgiveness toward those at Crossing Church. John and Tracy for ignoring my pain, Eric for ignoring my theological questions (because staff blocked every attempt to ask them), Diane for telling me not to bother coming to CR if I didn't follow her demands, etc. Have I really forgiven them? I feel like I have, I feel like I have moved past it all. Again, I guess time will really tell. If I run into one of them, I will let you know. ;)
I do have to remind myself occasionally that just because I have given forgiveness does not mean I have to give up my right to tell anyone that will listen that what they are doing at Crossing Church is not in line with the Bible. It is a willing service to the Lord I adore. Giving up is not acceptable to me until they stop.
Trust. Wow. I can't even begin. That is a story for another day.....