If last year someone told me what my life would be like right now, I probably would have laughed at them. I was happy as could be!! I had a happy family, a lot of great volunteer opportunities at my wonderful church, new friends at that church, and things were going great! I have never been prone to depression. I had a week or two of post-partum with one of the kids, but otherwise happy. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this lately, trying to pinpoint when things changed. At what point did I flip the switch from happy to sad. I don't think there WAS a specific point. I think it must have started gradually, when I started to realize that it was all fake and nobody was there to convince me either way. My new "friends" at church were either disappearing or changing in ways that sometimes made me uncomfortable to be around them. As much preaching as there was to not gossip, there sure was a lot of it going on. People I served with would put down other people that served with us, back stabbing constantly. I heard some people sharing things that had been talked about at recovery meetings, things that were supposed to be confidential. I had one woman at my home for a fund-raising party take me off to the side to tell me I needed to pray for someone that we both knew because the other woman was having a mental breakdown. At that time I didn't realize anyone that left, got kicked out or had issues with the church was labeled mentally unstable. Now I see that we make it so easy for them to label us that way. As I lost my faith in Jesus and the Crossing, I felt like I was losing my mind and didn't know where to turn. I was stumbling around lost and confused. I mistakenly believed so many things they had told me, thought they were going to be there for me, like a family, I served my heart out for them in the name of Jesus because we could rest when we get to heaven right? Now, it feels almost as if a large portion of my family and many of my friends died in a sudden accident. It felt like someone who loved and cared for me suddenly threw me out of a moving car and didn't look back. Poof! Overnight they are gone. Some people think that PTSD stems from violence, but that is not necessarily true. It can be the result of mental abuse, manipulation or a sudden dramatic change in your life such as a death. I feel like I went through all of these this past year.
My resolutions for the new year:
- I resolve to try to be more understanding of other people in their moment of need, doing my best to be the listening ear of anyone who reaches out to me for help, no matter how small or large their need.
- I resolve to try to be the kind of person that no matter what is going on, I can be counted on to be consistent in my words and deeds.
- I resolve to live my life for the real Jesus, not "frat boy" or "block layer" Jesus.
- I resolve to find a church that is not "radical" or "relevant". A church that will not pressure me to give my house, car or 401K, "cut" all my jacked-up friends from my "huddle", or submit to the pastors rather than Jesus, all while predicting "the end is near". A church that will shepard it's flock WHILE trying to help the people that are still wandering without Jesus. A place that I can move ahead at my own pace, putting in one toe at a time, if I so choose.
This is a new year and I choose to live by new rules. They all come in one handy
Book.
Jen
