Then I went to Twirl. I really didn't feel like going and felt horrible when I left. I was starting to realize that I didn't have any friends at the church, just acquaintances. People that I volunteered with, but that was about all I ever did with them. I drove a friend out to her van out in the dirt parking lot and cried a little along the way. After she got out and drove away, I started having a complete "come apart" cry. The sobbing, chest heaving, can't get your breath, boogers draining down your face kind of cry. While I was crying there was a vehicle parked behind me with their lights shining toward my car and I saw "Pastor" John walking to his car, notice me and change course, heading my way. I grabbed some napkins out of the glove box and wiped my eyes and blew my nose. As I finished I turned toward the window, expecting him to be there, but I was just in time to see him, about 5 feet from my car, turn and walk away to his car. He got in and drove away. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe that a pastor would walk away and leave someone so obviously in distress just sitting there!!
The whole way home I was thinking about what had happened and I decided to write him a note on Facebook. I told him he made me feel worthless and more alone then before. He did not respond. Three days later, on Friday, I received a call from one of my leaders to ask how I was doing. The church constantly reminds us not to gossip or discuss things that may be harmful to another person’s reputation. I realize now that is most likely to prevent people from seeing the bad things that are happening there. I ended up giving him a generic version of what happened on Tuesday, but without giving a name or even using a pronoun to distinguish if it was a man or woman pastor. He tells me he called because John Hill had told him I may be going through a hard time and he should check on me!!!!!! 3 days later!!!???!!! I started crying all over again on the phone with him. I still don’t understand how John could call himself a pastor when he can’t even face the members of his church, not only in their time of need, but also after he has wronged them. He sent someone else to do what he should have done himself. That person proceeded to try to make me feel better by telling me almost word-for-word the same things I had been told by other members before when I expressed doubt. People were talking about how my husband and I are doing great things; people are noticing what we are doing, etc. Trying to make me feel good and feel needed for my service. It was like a script, nothing new that I hadn’t already heard.